Tonight I went over the my community college and signed up for my remedial math class. (While I always tested well for math aptitude, my practical ability - and my effort- has always been poor, to say the least).
I also picked up my book, which I wasn't able to buy used because the faculty is using a new book for this class this semester. I didn't really glance through it or anything, just brought the book home, and after dinner, I scanned through it.
I'm going to sail through the early part of this course, judging by the book. The book appears to be designed for those who have never gotten past the Sesame Street level of mathematics. I was feeling a little resentful that I have to take this class, and also really pissed off at myself for doing so poorly on the placement test, but then I decided I was just going to take this as a fresh start in the subject of math.
It is kind of shattering to realize that I really did waste my potential by ignoring my studies in high school. I did have some extenuating circumstances - my father's alcoholism and abuse and my mother's codependence and mental illness really killed a lot of my confidence and esteem and energy. Now I only have myself to blame if things go wrong, so I have to promise myself that I will not let myself down.