Monday Morning Whinge

Whinge because I prefer the British/Canadian version to the porcine-sounding American version.

I had a therapy appointment on Wednesday, as I detailed below. As it turns out, I had no problem being honest, because the therapist asked me many, many specific questions, basically hitting on everything I listed in my previous post. One of the things we touched on was a previous bout of depression that I suffered after getting laid off from my job. I was out of work for a year, and I basically spent the bulk of that year sleeping. I would wake up to take Sio to school, go home and sleep until it was time to pick her up, and then I would sleep again until it was time to wake up and take her to school again.

I told the Doc that I considered that to be classic depression, but he informed me that it was much worse than that, and that the way I feel now is classic depression.

That should be reassuring, but after that horrible year, I emerged a stronger person. I got my ass in gear and found a job, and it turned out to be a job I loved. I got our finances in order and we managed to buy a house. I hope I don't need to sink so low to feel better again.

I say feel better - I would be satisfied just to feel something that isn't anger or this kind of low-grade sadness, a sadness that doesn't cause me to cry or mope, or stop me from smiling and laughing, but a sadness that cuts me off from feeling much of anything.

I've tried to pay attention to the things I do when I want to feel better. I eat, I go for a drive, I watch TV, I try to read. But it never really works, I cannot feed my feelings of inadequacy with food, I cannot feel less lonely by watching TV, I can't escape me by going for a drive. And despite being aware of this, I don't seem to have the power to change what I'm doing, or find something better to do. I don't want to cry on my children's shoulders, and I don't want to bore my husband or sisters with my undefined, low-grade sadness - besides, they would then pelt me with possible solutions, and I would then feel badly because I can't figure out my own way out of this feeling.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now. Whingeing is so boring, but it's my blog, and I need to have someone to talk to, even if it's just myself.

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