Current State of my Mental Health

If my mental health were a state, it would be Ohio -- teetering on the brink of destruction. I'm not feeling suicidal or anything drastic like that*, but I'm contemplating a nervous breakdown, and it looks better to me than the day to day drudgery of my life.

I have reached a point where I am nearly completely non-functional. I can't muster the energy to sweep the floor or wash the dishes or cook dinner. All I want to do is escape - watch TV, read a book, get on the computer, get in the car and get the hell out - but of course, I bring myself with me, so the problems never go away.

I need professional help, but I've been to therapy before and found it unhelpful. Largely because I bring myself to therapy, and I don't seem to have any power over myself - I remain unable to motivate myself to change.

This probably sounds like it's coming out of nowhere (unless you read my dream interpretation post), and I will admit that I have better than average coping skills, but everything feels like it's falling apart.

If I do end up going to therapy, how can I force myself to be totally honest? I have a tendency to put the best possible spin on my life when I talk to others, and it's a hard habit to break. I was taught to keep secrets at my mothers knee. I know that being aware of a problem is the first step towards solving it, but I have a history of being unable to take a second step.

*On the contrary -- I want to LIVE! and I feel like I'm not really doing that.

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