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Gatorade A.M.

Submitted by Chris Olwell

The bottle says Gatorade A.M. helps put back the fluids and energy you lose during a full night's sleep, to which I reply: "It's about time." Finally, someone has engineered an athletic drink for people like me, Athletes of Sleep—people for whom it is less physically taxing to be awake than asleep.

I had to try it. So recently, after a thoroughly exhausting night of sleeping, I woke up with orange-strawberry. I quickly regained all the energy I lost by sleeping so hard.

Sleeping like I do drains fluids from the human body at an astonishing rate. But after drinking 20 ounces of Gatorade A.M., I had fluids to spare. I peed three times in three hours! Four times in four hours! I, and the scientists of the world, remain confounded by the fact that any one of those pees would've filled two 20-ounce Gatorade bottles. Easily.

Plus, Gatorade A.M. also works in the afternoon and early evening if that's when you wake up. A-fucking-mazing.