Guys, I understand that you are upset that Alex P. Keaton, young Republican, has filmed ads for Democratic candidates. I know it must hurt to have the TV actor you probably emulated in the '80s be such a turncoat.
I mean, it's hard to look at the ad and not feel moved by his plight:
But I have to say, Republicans, you guys screwed up by having other celebrities come out against stem cell research. Patricia Heaton, the shrilliest harpy to ever harp shrillilly, just doesn't offer the same emotional heft.
No, you should be meeting emotional manipulation with emotional manipulation.
But I'm here to light a candle, not curse the darkness. So here's my counter-ad, created just for the Republicans.
I'm a stem cell.
I would like to tell you that I care deeply about Stem Cell Research, but I don't have a brain and can't think or feel or care about anything.
But look how cute I am! If you squint a little bit, maybe you could pretend that I have eyes and ears and a little mouth that makes goo-goo noises.
That's the great thing about stem cells - they have the potential to be anything.
Yeah, if I was in a uterus, had implanted, and I survived the one in four chance that nothing goes wrong while developing for 9 months, I could, potentially, eventually, be a baby.
It's almost a metaphor for the American dream, don't you think? Every American kid is told that one day they could be president. I'm a smear so tiny you can't see me without a microscope, but I could be a liver, a kidney, I could be a tonsil (which you folks have no compunction about removing and discarding).
And yeah, I could be the key to finding a cure for Parkinson's disease, or Alzheimer's disease.
There are some people who want America to be at the forefront of the kind of research that could lead to those cures.
And then there are the people who think I'm much more valuable than the people with Parkinson's disease or Alzheimer's disease.
So look at me! Save me from reaching all my potential!